


To Pay The Price

by AnotherWorld3111



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Emotional Hurt, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Episode: 13x03 Coda, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Feels, Hurt, Hurt Dean Winchester, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Character Death, mentioned - Freeform, referred to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-25 17:32:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12537376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherWorld3111/pseuds/AnotherWorld3111
Summary: Sam could understand and even relate to Dean feeling all torn up over their best friend's death, but that still didn't give him the excuse to get away with telling Jack that he'd essentially kill him himself. Yeah, Sam could get that Dean was still borderline depressed and let his emotions get the better of him what with Cas being dead and all, but that was in the past, and their current situation was something that required their attention more, so surely Sam could get that through Dean's head?Except, Dean was acting way more upset than what even Sam expected from him. Which meant that Sam was missing out on something.





	To Pay The Price

**Author's Note:**

> Because that scene at the end of 13x03 between Sam and Dean killed us all, this was finally created over second hand pent up emotions that desperately needed out. And to think, I don't even write codas! I barely even read them except for like a bare handful! But yeah, that scene in Patience? That was just begging for this. So yeah. This happened. And y'all can thank the wonderful tumblr user @deanwinbean for making this happen - dude, i don't say this enough, you are like, the best motivator ever and an amazing and wonderful person overall, thank you so much for bearing with me :)

 “Look, I know you think that you can use him as some sort of an, inter-dimensional can opener, and that’s fine. But don’t act like you care about him.” And now Dean’s voice started to rise, starting to walk forward until he was only a few feet away from Sam. “Because you can only care about what he can do for you. So if you wanna pretend, that’s fine. But me? I can hardly _look_ at the kid! ‘Cause when I do, all I see is everybody we’ve lost.”

 “Mom. Chose. To take that shot at Lucifer - that is not on Jack.” Sam bit back, visibly restraining himself from trying not to explode as well, but still slipping.

 “And what about Cas?” Dean retorted.

 “And what about Cas?” Sam repeated, slightly taken aback by the turn of conversation.

 But Dean was just getting started. “He manipulated him.” Dean hissed. “He made him promises, said ‘ _paradise on earth_ ’. And Cas bought it. And you know what that got him? It got him dead!” Dean exclaimed. Sam’s eyes flicked down, not looking at Dean. “Now you may be able to forget about, that but I can’t!” Dean roared, his voice cracking.

 The bunker fell silent, but Dean’s words were still resonating as Sam finally looked back up at Dean, his face sympathetic, as if he actually understood what Dean was going through.

 “Look. I get that Cas died,” Sam started hesitantly, seemingly trying to appease Dean now. “But you can’t just hang yourself up on that! Dean, I hate to have to tell you this, but you’ve got to move on, you can’t just-“

 “I can’t what, Sam?” And that was it. Dean couldn’t take it anymore, and if he let his brother utter a single word more, he was gonna clock him. “I can’t mourn Cas? Why, ‘cause it’s getting in the way or something? Because let me tell you this, I’m functioning pretty damn fine, and if anything, seem to be the only one thinking logically about that kid! So don’t tell me I can’t think about Cas, like he doesn’t deserve it! Just like he didn’t deserve dying, after everything he’s done for me, after everything he’s done for _us!”_ Dean pointed viciously between them, emphasizing in trying to remind Sam that Cas had saved his life before as well. He was yelling again, his eyes clouding over as visions of Cas played out in his mind, and so lost in his thoughts, fueled by range, anger, and despair, Dean barely registered what he was saying, just letting the words flow out and hit Sam, and hopefully smack some sense through all that hair in the process. “And he still ended up dead - that’s all it ever got him, as if it was helping us was his crime, and that’s how he had to pay! He had to pay for knowing us, he had to pay for befriending us, and _he had to pay for loving me_!”

 They froze.

 Dean was breathing heavily, when the haze in his mind disappeared, bringing with a painful clarity to Dean as his words echoed back to him. 

 His words… where he just confessed to something they hadn’t even said aloud to each other yet.

 He said that Cas loved him, and though he didn’t say it… Dean loved him back just as strongly.

 But they never said it to each other, they never got the chance. And now, instead of looking up at Cas’s face as he lay above him, and uttering those three words in a private moment between them like Dean had always imagined… Instead, Dean just said it to his brother.

 His brother, who was staring at him with immense shock at the unexpected confession, taken aback so much so that his head had jerked backwards, Sam finally blinking after long, agonizing seconds had passed to process Dean’s words.

 “Y-you.” Sam stuttered, and for the first time since Sam had confronted him since Dean came back - and that’s what this had been, hadn’t it? Sam confronting Dean about Jack, until Dean had gone out and very unwillingly dropped the L bomb - the careful, resolute composure that Sam had had fixed on his face the entire time, cracked. “You and Cas-?”

 Dean swallowed, his throat working hard to even get that action done as he took a step back, feeling like he was drowning as everything around him started to come crashing down. He needed out, he needed to get out of here right now, and just go to his room, curl up on bed and let himself fade away in his beer and the _music-_

 “Don’t.” He said thickly, looking away. He almost didn’t want to, but he unwittingly looked up and met Sam’s gaze anyway, horrified when he realized that his vision was going blurry because of the tears starting to collect there. “Just. Don’t.”

 “But- Dean!” Sam exclaimed, trying to take a step forward, but wisely stopped at that. But he wasn’t smart enough to keep his mouth shut, so it seemed.

 “God, Dean - man, you guys were - and I didn’t - you didn’t say-“

 “Yeah, we kept silent.” Dean snapped, hating himself for every second he stayed there, but not wanting to hear another peep out of his brother. “Yeah, we didn’t tell anyone. Not like it’d have made a difference, and it didn’t really matter in the end anyway, did it? Cause Cas it still dead, and it’s all because of that kid back there, trying to make Cas believe in things he didn’t have to - he shouldn’t have had to! ‘ _Paradise on earth?’”_ Dean repeated, feeling something within him break at those words. “All Cas and I ever wanted was to be happy, Sam. And what we had going, it was working fine - now, it wasn’t perfect, but Cas was alive, and so was I. So were you. And then this kid comes along, and just as I try to get it into Cas’s head that he’s all that matters, he goes off and ‘sacrifices’ himself, just because of some fake magician shit that kid showed him. So yeah, you might wanna go save Jack and try to use him to do whatever, but he’s not bringing back Cas, he’s not saving him - he _can’t!_ So don’t go telling me he’s gotta be saved.”

 And ignoring Sam’s shattered remains of his resolve, falling away to reveal all the renewed turmoil at Dean’s words, Dean turned, and walked away, not looking back once. He just kept walking, climbing down the stairs, mind numb and body working on automatic, barely hitching in his gait as he passed by Jack, the kid’s eyes distant and unseeing.

 Dean didn’t stop walking once, not until he reached the privacy granted by his room, and once he was safely within the confines of it, he let his duffel drop to the ground, collapsing on to bed. 

 Barely aware of his actions, he only vaguely registered when his music started playing again, a beer bottle in hand. Visions of Cas swept over him again, and this time, Dean let them flow freely, along with the water having collected in his eyes, a drop sliding down his cheek as he recalled the last time he and Cas had actually been together in this bed. Curled up around each other, naked and sweaty and still breathing heavily as they got under the sheets, Cas’s hand had stroked Dean’s face with such a contented look on Cas’s face, and the same feeling had been building up within Dean’s chest, so much so that it felt like he was about too explode from it. Dean had debated on just letting it all slip out along with those three little words, those three dreaded words that he never got out, and instead used his usual variation of something along the lines of, ‘ _I need you,_ ’ and ‘ _stay.’_ And every time Dean had said something like that, Cas would only smile knowingly in return, gathering Dean closer in his arms, and whisper something muffled what with his lips pressed against Dean’s hair. And for just one fleeting moment, Dean could pretend that they had actually said it to each other, that they had actually whispered those three words that Dean never thought he would ever need, or hell, even want as strongly as he did now, to say to anyone aloud.

 But he never did. 

 And he never got to.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, well that scene was scream worthy, so of course this was gonna end up like this as well. But seriously, I have legit cried over pics, nearly pissed myself from laughter when reading other people's pics, but I'm more reserved with my emotions when writing my own (too busy writing it out and all and making sure it doesn't suck too much) so trust me when I say it means. A LOT. That I got teary eyed over how I ended this. But how could I not, what with Dean practically behaving the way he did?!


End file.
